


Marya is a simp

by AHumanFailingTheTuringTest



Category: Hadestown - Mitchell, Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy
Genre: Cursed, F/F, Gay, M/M, Vodka, WHY GOD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:15:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24977476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AHumanFailingTheTuringTest/pseuds/AHumanFailingTheTuringTest
Summary: Marya is a simp and Helene is a twitch thot
Relationships: Marya Dmitryevna Akhrosimova/Elena "Hélène" Vasilyevna Kuragina, Natalya "Natasha" Ilyinichna Rostova & Sofia "Sonya" Alexandrovna Rostova
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all are gonna be confused

One gay ass day in Russia Natasha "Babey" lastname was invited for vodka by her gaemother. There was no 'plus one' on the invitation but Natasha had decided to bring Sonya along bc she wanted a cheerleader. They were skipping thru town when Natasha noticed some rats at the corner of the street and suddenly got an erection. Sonya knew what to do in this situation as it had happened many times. She took a copy of Ratatouille out of her coat and screamed:

" _ NATASHA LOOK RATATOUILLE IS WEARING BOXERS"  _ and threw it at the opposite side of the road. Natasha screeched for delight and followed the rat boxers. Sonya did this about 13 times until she realized they were kinda lost. 

"Natasha!" she shouted, "What does the invitation say about Marya's place?"

Natasha stopped having an erection cuz that's how it works. She looked at the pink invitation.

"It says that if we see about Helene’s tits it’s the right one"

Sofa looked west, the gay direction, and saw a red house with a big ass sign saying "HELENE'S TITS HAVE BEEN SUCKED HERE"

"Welp i guess this is it" sophia sighed. 

They crossed the big door painted in the colours of the lesbian flag and knocked on the door. Nobody answered so Natasha called her rat friends with a screech and made them open the door. Sokka disapproved but she couldn't understand their love. 

The hallway was basically a church for girl in red but Natasha only listened to Justin Bieber, Sweater Weather and Panic at the disco so she didnt know. But Soksa knew bc... well,,,,, it ain't a coincidence she and Mary send playlists to each other. 

As they were entering the living room they hit hard onto some big ass titties. They looked up and saw god herself. Helene.

"Ohhhhh, and is that Natasha and bread?" she moaned with a certain villain like quality.

Natasha's cheeks turned into the colour of the communist manifesto as Helene's pearls jingled on her boobs reminding her of her friend rats.

"Sooooooooooooo, what good gay god brings you here" she growled with snark.

"Our gaemother has invited us" Sojya said.

"Well i put the gay in gaemother" Helene murmured sexily.

"What?" Natasha the bimbo asked.

"I said Beyonce should be president"

"HELENE YOU SLUT" Marya growled out of nowhere. She naruto runned* towards her and hit her tiddies. They were really turned on but decided to hide it. Marya cleaned Helene very sexily that it would have def been included in lesbain prn. 

"Clean yourself Elena I can smell your erection" Marya growled. She turned around to greet her goddaughters but Helene interrupted. 

"The boomer has arrived" Helene barked.

'We're the same age you _гей сука"_

_ " _ You liked it when I called you mommy yester-" Helene moaned.   


"WELL MY DEAR GODDAUGHTERS SHALL WE GO??" Marya growled. 

Natasha and sogah agreed. They proceeded while they heard Pierre cry over Napoleon. Pretty gay if ya ask meh. 

They went into the main room with the big table ya know and a giant voice said: "Daddy has ended". 

"I MISSED DADDY?" helene growled in horror. 

"You used up all the daddy ones yesterday" Marya said dry as chalk.

"YEAH BUT THAT WAS AT NOON. DADDY IS EXPERIENCED BETTER AT MORNING" Helene screeched.

"Wait what day is it?" Marya asked.

"SUNDAY" Anatole replied. 

"Thank you. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CLOSET" Marya growled. 

"Masturbatin' to the sound of ducks"

Analtoe Kruggy lept out of the closet revealing hunfreds of small ducks quacking. He went close to Helene.

"How's it going dear sister?"

"THERE WILL BE NO INCEST IN THIS HOUSE SCOUNDREL" Marya growled with the sound of a hundread gods.

"Excuse me" Sugah interrupted, "I thought we were gonna drink some vodka?"

"Oh yes!" Helene moaned and took a glass bottle of _Clap Cheeks._ But before she could touch bread with fantabulousness, fire spread all around the house and Moscow. 

They all lept out of the house and in the garden they saw,,,,,,, Marya's twin sister! _  
_

_ To be continued.......................... _


	2. Awesome kitty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She will steal your fucking kneecaps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eat the rich

Marya's twin sistah stared them down with a glare only Kylo Ren could practice in the mirror.

"How you doin' fellow kids"

Nobody spoke, until Natasha let out a war screech and her friends/lovers rats snatched her wig. They started attacking her with Artemis' wrath while Natasha cheared on.

She started changing forms; firstly turning into a wine aunt, then into a closeted lesbian, a therapist, a cinnamon roll and finally,,,,,

Persephone!

"That's me!" Persephone growled drunkenly. Her green dress had turned into some colour bc of the  _ Château Léoville Barton  _ she had been drinkin' to forget capitalism.

Everyone just looked at her confused. Natasha was still screeching.

"Can ya stop that? Unless if it is a battle cry against capitalism, then continue" Persephone growled. 

Natasha stopped bc she didn't know what capitalism was and she was turned on by sexy rat lady.

"Who the fuck are you" Marya growled.

"I'm Persephone, I speak for the trees, and I'll break your knees"

"I like her, she's sexy but in a rat kinda way" Helene moaned in Marya's ear. Marya looked at her with more anger than concern when she realised the fire was still raging on.

"WE'VE GOT TO FUCKING GO" Marya screamed.

She took Helene's hand and marched on leading the group of gays while  _ What's new Pussycat  _ was playing in the giant speakers of Moscow. Natasha and her rats tried helping as many peasants as they could with their hornyness. Analtoe tried to grab her hand at some point but she was too busy day-dreaming of Ratatouille.

The group of gays eventually arrived at the middle of Moscow. Everyone was panicking and screaming while a single figure was praying.

"MARY!" Soniayayayaya screamed at the sight of her soft lesbian love.

"Shhhh, I have really bad connection with God right now and screaming makes it worse" Mary said calmly.

"Your God ain't real sister" Persephone growled with a bottle of vodka in her hands, "I'm sorry but I'm the real thing"

"Excuse me?" she said in hush confused tone.

"I'm Persephone, Goddess of Spring and the Iron Queen, I do it for the girls and the gays that's it" she replied and fell down to the floor. Helene picked her up with bug buff hands which made Marya flush.

Mary and Sorry hugged.

Helene looked at Marya with a knowing look and whispred in her ear:

"That’s gay fashion I know my bitch"

"You just met her"

"Yeeah but gaydar is going off" she moaned.

Everyone just stared at the destruction of Moscow. They could hear all episodes of Riverdale playing, Miku binder gay uwu Thomas Jefferson destroying houses, the dear evan hansen soundtrack playing instead of  _ What's new Pussycat _ , and Jefree Star existing. But suprisingly Anatole decided to do something. He took a deep breath and started clapping his cheeks.

Something was heard in the distance. Was it terfs? Was it sopranos? Was it heathers fans? No! It was.....

Hello Kitty the Tank Engine!

And what came with it? Balaga the gay angel from hell.

Whenever Balaga was onscreen it made everyone have the sideeffect of chanting his name over and over again.

BALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGA BALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGAcornBALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGAcornBALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGA  C O R N BALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGABALAGA

"Everyone get in!" Dolokhov who was with Balaga cried.

Everyone did get in, including Natasha's friend rats. Marya checked Helene.  


"Are you ok slut?" 

"Titty is up and secsy" she said touching her boob.

It took them 12 hours but Hello Kitty took them to petERSBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

They found a  _ BBC Sherlock  _ fan meeting who had decided to solve the death of Princess Diana (rip) and Persephone told them John Mulaney did it and they all left crying knowing " _ I'm not a phycopath, I'm a highly functioning sociopath"  _ has the same energy as " _ I'm weird. I'm a weirdo. I don't fit in, and I don't want to fit in". _

They all settled in when they realized Pierre was with them. He had snuck in Hello Kitty bc he hated fire. As always, everyone ignored him.

"So, 'Persephone, Goddess of Spring and the Iron Queen, I do it for the girls and the gays that's it', why are you here?" salonga asked.

"Well you see, it's really simple. So I'm married to the lord of the dead and capitalism lover- you asked how that happened? Well it's simple, one day he came in my mother's garden and asked for my hand. Me, being a stupid foolish girl who only listened to one direction, agreed. But my mum didn't like that and I was like "Mommy please don’t take the Xbox, it’s not my fault I got abducted by my hot and sexy goth power bottom husband" so Hades fed me some magical fruit and now i go to the underworld six months a year and the rest i stay up on top. we were happy and shit but he then invented capitalism and i hate it so we're pretty unhappy. We do this whole thing were we argue every time we see each other and hermes -my brothah- always narrates the fight like he's an announcer in a fockin boxing match. 

So yesterday or a year ago we fought really intensely and I drank to forget ma troubles when I saw a dark silhouette approach me and I started blasting. Then suddenly everything got dark and I was at a pub with people screaming "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and drinkin' vodka sister. I didn't really care until i realised i wasnt at a regular gae pub but it was a russian incest one. I screamed along with a rat (not your friend rats love, it was a twink ) and started a fucking fire" she said drunkenly.

Everybody was again quietly trying to take everything in except for Pierre who was crying bc his red crayon was broken. 

Suddenly a **_THUMP_** was heard. It was,,,,,

the American Theater Wing personified as talk show hosts but cyclops!

They first attacked Persephone but she threw hot vodka at Cyclops 1™ and he belted the end of think of me. While Cyclops 2™ tried to dodge Cyclops 1™, Helene put on her sexxxy persona™. 

"Hey~ tough guy~ would you~ be interested~ in my~ drarry fanfiction~?" she moaned.

Cyclops 1™ was very much seduced but he shipped dramione so he attacked her breaking her charm. Mary was praying at the corner of the cLUb and this time god listened and sent an angel but the freaky kind, with the hundred eyes and tons of wings. Mary was not fazed since she looked at her father's face every morning. 

The angel attacked Cyclops 1™ but he gave them 0 Tony nominations so he died. Cyclops 2™ was mow bacl on his feet. 

"BALAGAAAAAAAAAAAA" 

Balaga attacked both of them. He screamed and shouted frenzingly. The Cyclops™ were strong, but God was stronger. 

"Balaga!" Analtoe screeched, "You're saving us!" 

"Balagabalagabalagabalagabalagabalagabalagabalagabalagabalagabalagabalaga" he said.

"No! Don't sacrifice yourself your so sexy hahahaha" he moaned. 

"Balagabalagabalagabalagabalaga" 

"Alas" Anatole sighed. He turned to the other gays. "We must go!"

"What about Balaga?" Dolokhov asked.

"He will sacrifice himself for us" analtoe moaned and turned to Balaga again "You will not be forgotten!"

Balaga looked at them teary eyed like he was an anime boy ready to sacrifice himself at the season finale. 

The gays left and Balaga fought. 

_Now where shall they go? Find out next week._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoever read this is sexually attracted to Lady MacBeth

**Author's Note:**

> *this actually foreshadowing of her death since that is a dead meme


End file.
